I miss Ted

The weekends are the hardest. I was in church today and it just overcame me how much i miss him. i had to keep myself from crying. Every Sunday is difficult. being in the presence of God at mass, completely consumes me. I am the most vulnerable. i am unable to maintain my fortress walls of "im OK, we're hanging in there." I guess its because God knows our all. there are no "brave home fronts" with God. I miss sharing in the mass with ted. Even if he isn't catholic. Attending church together as a couple who both believe in God is one of the joys of my marriage. Playing tag team with our two fidgety kids and then finding a stolen moment together when both kids are peaceful. ted would always give me this "i love you look." A look that spoke volumes of our love and commitment, our family, our sufferings and our joys. A look of happiness and contentment. This is the place we got married, this is the place we stood before God and the witness of our family and friends and committed to each other and the to will of God in our lives.
I want to just sit there and be still in the arms of Jesus. i want to relish in His silence., knowing that i needn't say or think a word for Him to understand me. I have to choke pack the tears, because if they were to start, i don't know if i could make them stop. I miss ted, I miss him with every ounce of everything that makes me me. I miss everything about him and us and our family. There are the big things that i miss, our love life. I saw a shirt online that says "Sexually Deprived for Your Freedom" I send this blog out to alot of people, so that's all I'm going to say about our love life, although i could go on, but I'm sure when we get pregnant again sometime in the next year, it will be no surprise to anyone.
Aside from that, I miss all the little things: a glance across the room at a party, holding his hand, even though that was hard to do with two small kids, our feet finding each other at the end of the bed, amongst the sprawled out body limbs of our two kids sleeping in bed with us, his blueberry pancakes that he would make, his arm around me while sitting on the couch. I miss him driving, me always changing the radio station and him getting irritated at me for doing so. I miss getting to touch his leg while we are seated next to each other. I miss a simple kiss hello and good bye. I miss him being silly to get me out of bad mood. I miss his laughter, I miss OUR laughter together. And I have come to realize how much I miss attending mass with him.
So when i go to church I grieve all of these things and more. Its not like i sit there listing all the points of why i miss ted, its just this giant lump sum of emotions that overtakes me, i feel like shouting " Doesn't anyone realize my husband is deployed" but that wouldn't go over so well in church. So i start to get the knot in the back of my throat and i have to start blinking alot to keep the tear from over pouring. Usually about this point my lively 2 year old daughter is trying to climb under the pews, or talking about Cinderella not even close to a "quite voice" or like today SHOUTING "the bells are ringing, I want to go home now!" This rips me from my grief and belly flops me back into the reality of living in the present. which is probably a good thing. i know if i were to go to mass by myself, i would be powerless against my tears and then i would be sitting there alone crying and everyone else would be thinking "wow, that poor girl must have done something really sinful to be crying at mass."
So i am grateful to God that amongst the chaos of taking to kids to mass, I can, even for a few seconds, be truthful in the safe strong arms of our Lord.

Ted and Brigid

After writing about my kids i was going to write about Ted and then myself. But when trying to sort out my emotions and thoughts on Ted and myself, they were too intertwined. All my thoughts for the most part come back to Ted.

It has been 3 months since he left. Time is so weird, there is a part of it that makes me say "dear God its ONLY been 3 months?" but then there are other fleeting moments in my day that I think... "ok, we can do this, we are doing ok..." I know we can do it, because we ARE doing it, every minute of everyday. Some days are alot harder then others.

We have gotten into a "routine" of our own without Ted. All the books talk about this "normal" step of deployment, but it still sucks! When he first left i would wake up in the morning to the overwhelming anxiety that Ted wasn't here, it was especially worse on Saturday and Sundays. It was just the fact of being completely alone, even with two kids, and maybe it WAS because i have two kids. That feeling has gotten better, i wake up now and have to try and figure out what day it is since they all bleed together. The evenings use to be even worse then the mornings. trying to get both kids to bed and facing the fact that i was again alone, no one to spend time with. Again this has gotten better too. I am able to usually get both kids to sleep around the same time, leaving me to do what i want for while. Now that all the good TV series are over till the fall I've turned my energy to the house. Every night when the kids go to sleep, i take about 30 minutes and pick up the whole house, I've come to enjoy this very much. it, first off gives me a sense of control, which is nice to feel when everything else seems to be crazy. Second, it makes it nice to wake up in the morning to a clean house, knowing that the day can start out organized, even if it all goes to hell quickly. So after the house is clean i go to "my projects" So far I've:

made curtains for the kids room

made curtains for the kitchen

painted the ceiling of the laundry room

painted the back bathroom(4 coats)

painted and hung the rest of the kitchen cabinets

primed all the woodwork in the laundry room

and fully painted all the cabinets in the laundry room

I still have alot to do and i look forward to my evening alone.. as long as i keep busy.

The Internet is up and running for Ted, PRAISE JESUS! We have been able to use our web cam almost everyday, sometimes its still a little slow but for the most part its been running well. It makes me feel so much better to actually SEE his face and see him moving, as apposed to just looking at pictures of Ted. The kids are responding well to it too, which makes me feel better for them. Ted and i have even been having little dates with each other. He'll come come home on his lunch break, which is about 12am my time. The kids are asleep, so He and i get a nice long hour to just the two of us. I can't tell you how wonderful this has been. For the both of us. i was so worried when he left of how we would stay connected to each other being so far away and then when he didn't have Internet access for almost 2 month it just made the feeling worse, but the web cam is amazing. I feel connected to him, we get to talk, just the two of us and be funny and silly like we use to be when he was here. The down side of the web cam is that it is just a BIG TEASE! to see him, and hear him laughing, and moving around and be SO close yet not to be able to feel him, touch him, kiss him... granted i would hate NOT having the web cam but the longing and desire it provokes is indescribable.

Before Ted left he reminded me of all the challenges we have gotten through in the 3 years we have been together and he said that this was just one more that would bring us closer together as a couple and family. I (being in an irrational state and not wanting to hear his logical faith) told him that yes, we have faced alot but all those things we faced, we faced TOGETHER, side by side, that in the middle of fear of the future, the challenges of parenthood and the unknown we physically had each other to find comfort, safety and peace in and this time we would be separated. while we could still communicate, the hard reality was/is that we are both to a large part alone through this. I know this sounds harsh and faithless, and yes on some days that's what i feel like. One thing I've learned so far is that I'm alot stronger than i thought i would be.

"She is clothed in strength and dignity, and can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also praises her; 'many women do noble things but you surpass them all.'" Proverbs 31:25-27

harper

Harper is almost 8 months. He is sitting up, starting to crawl and saying "ma ma" along with other cute babbling noises. Just yesterday he pulled himself up to a standing position on the coffee table! he had this HUGE smile on his face! he was SO proud.

He is madly in love with food! All kinds too. he loves just about anything i give him. i was giving him organic baby food from a jar but he seemed to loose interest. I started going back to grinding up real food for him in the baby grinder and he just loves it!! im sure its all the texture that he likes. he is getting pretty good at using a sippy cup too.

He enjoys going swimming. he is an excellent splasher. he doesn't really mind when Zerrell splashes him either.

He is a very happy baby. he is for the most part pretty mellow although lately with his new found mobility he is getting frustrated alot easier. He still adores Zerrell although he is getting faster at graping her toys and is forming quite an opinion of what he wants and doesn't want from Zerrell. He gives her this new look, Its like the wheels are turning in his head and he is plotting his over throw of her rule. Im so curious to see how they interact as they get older. im also a little scared too.

harper brings such joy into my life. he brings a smile to my face and he is so sweet and thoughtful (if an 8months can BE thoughtful). During my pregnancy with him I Experienced alot of sorrow. I was away from my family for the first part of my pregnancy. i was separated from Ted for a total of 2 months. I had such heartache for my sister who lost her baby and extreme guilt for still having mine, our kids would have been a month apart. All of this was underlined by the knowledge that ted was being deployed shortly after Harper was born. I dreaded my due date knowing that it meant it was that much closer to ted leaving. I was in alot of physical pain, my whole pregnancy, which resulted in bed rest. We moved, ted was laid off due to the CA budget. I remember that days before harper was born I confided all these emotions and thoughts to my mother, I told her i was scared that there wouldn't be any happiness in me when he was born. She told me through her own tears that He would bring nothing but great joy to my life. And he truly has. He and i have such a special relationship... well duh, im his mother but its more then that. He always puts a smile on my face. Maybe its because he is my second baby and im not as nervous, maybe its because he's a boy. I just enjoy him so much.

So the "mother guilt" of mine is always there. I let him cry longer than i ever did with zerrell. mainly because i am usually cleaning up some catastrophe that zerrell was involved in and he has to wait longer for me. I worry about him without Ted. I know he will not remember this time, and I'm glad of that. But i worry about how Ted was so close to Zerrell during this time and that Harper is missing out on this. i want Ted and Harper to be close, i know they will. He knows Ted's voice. He always completely STOPS what he is doing when he hears ted talking on the phone. The other night he was cry and cry and i was talking to Ted and ted told me to put the phone up to Harper's ear, i did, ted started talking and Harper stopped cry immediately.

When we get to use the Web cam, Harper looks right at Ted and smiles. Harper smiles when ever he sees a picture of ted. I try to do the tickling and rough housing with him like i know Ted would, I'm not that good at it. Luckily Zerrell roughs around with him enough to make up for what i lack.

He is at such a great age. 8months. just starting to crawl but not yet into everything!