It has been officially six months since Ted left. wow six months! crazy to think, since from the time Ted and I met to the time we fell in love, got married and were pregnant was only 7 months!
As of today we get to see Ted in Germany in 35 days! that also means 35 days till I turn 30! and 40 days till Harper turns 1 and 42 days till we celebrate our 3year wedding anniversary! November is a busy month!
This last month has gone by pretty quickly although there were days that seemed to DRAG on. With the nicer weather we have been able to spend more time outside again and I've been making an extra effort to go to our favorite park as much as possible. Both Zerrell and Harper LOVE the outdoors, which is good.
This past month, I've tried to keep busy. I finished painting our dinning room and recovering all the dinning room chairs. A few friends and I threw my friend Sandy a baby shower, just in the nick of time too. She ended up having the baby 5 days later(2week early). And our nights have been filled with THE OPOSSUMS!! I haven't seen the mom or dad in awhile but there are baby ones that come almost every night to eat our cat food. I've counted 3 different baby opossums, two even came at once! Zerrell loves seeing them, if she is still awake. My godson Spencer has been BEGGING to come see them too, so last week he came over and praise Jesus, one came while he was here, so he got to see it!
We have our house decorated for Halloween. Zerrell still doesn't know what she wants to be. Whenever I ask her she comes up with a new answer. Although she asks to go trick or treating EVERYDAY! We went to the fair last week and Zerrell was slightly impressed by the animals, but she STILL talks about wanting more cotton candy.
I got to go to the fair ALL BY MYSELF(without my kids). It was a great time, i drank just enough to REALLY enjoy myself. I saw Chris Isaak in concert and got my cinnamon roll and it all by myself, without having to share. It was nice to have time to myself and share it with my close friends.
Zerrell is still talking nonstop! To everyone she meets and knows! She never meets a stranger. She is singing alot too, which is so cute. She has a GREAT imagination and loves playing with all her barbies and princess dolls. She says some very funny things too. "mom, thats a real nice lady"(talking about anyone she meets). "Back off Harper!" "that's gross!" "OH MY GOSH!" and "mom, you are driving the wrong way, you need to go THAT WAY!"
She know all of her colors and like matching colors up. She can usually get dressed by herself and is VERY good at getting UNDRESSED. She missed Ted alot, telling me that she wants him to come home or that she NEEDS him. Her imagination play almost always has a story line about a "dad."
Harper is on the verge of walking by himself. He loves walking while pushing things, walking toys, chairs, stools. He took two steps all by himself the other day and the best part was that Ted got to see it because we were on Skype at the time. Harper is still pretty mellow, he loves the stroller, shopping carts and highchair. He is a climber, just like Zerrell. He loves following Zerrell around the house and trying to play with whatever she has. As he gets older he is putting up more a fight with Zerrell, which is kinda funny to watch. He is a very good eater. He LOVES finger foods he can feed himself, he no longer likes it when I try to feed him with a spoon. He waves Hi, and claps his hands. He also has 5 teeth now, his two front teeth are HUGE!. He lights up every time he sees Ted on the computer or one of the several pictures I have around the house.
Ted is doing OK. Trying to keep busy, he cant talk about too much that is going on where he is. We get to talk almost everyday. He loves the care package is send him, mostly with yummy snacks from Trader Joe's. He is ready to come, as we all are! He is getting excited about his R&R to Germany and I know that is helping him get through. He is anxious to see us but also be apart of a normal society, wearing normal clothes and using real utensils to eat(they use plastic where he is).
I miss ted terribly, even more so now then before. Some days its so overwhelming I feel paralyzed by it. But between Zerrell and Harper I cant stay in bed all day. Zerrell and I still clash alot but I've been trying to be more "in the moment" with her and Harper. When she asks to play with me, I try to drop what I am doing and play with her, as opposed to telling her to hold on because I want to finish cleaning something. When she wants to do something "all my myself" iIbite my tongue and let her pour the Orange juice, even if it spills. I try to be more silly and goofy too, I don't want her to have a mom that is always sad or in a bad mood. Ive noticed that on days I succeed with this "New" attitude, her attitude reflects that. But still we have those oh so terrible days where nothing seems to please either one of us.
Today it is cold and raining, what a wonderful change from all of the HOT weather. We haven't had rain since the beginning of May.
I still have alot to do before we leave for Europe but I'm trying not to stress out too much. Thank you to everyone that continues to pray for us, we still need them, OK I still need them! Love to you all, enjoy our pictures
http://picasaweb.google.com/brig.dmb/Stoopsupdate?authkey=Gv1sRgCMTTs-aK9L_gyAE#
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Fall...ing
I just read a great line in the book I am reading. "I knew it would never be easy, but I just didn't expect it to be this hard." That can sum up alot of everything I have been going through and feeling on a variety of topics.
Motherhood... "I was a great mother before I had kids." I think about this everyday. For so long in my life I wanted to be a mommy. I baby sat for years and truely enjoyed it. I doted on my little cousins for years, my aunt marianne always called me "her lady in waiting." When my godson was born I feell in love with him and just couldnt get enough of him.
I had great plans of doing all of these wonderful art projects and going to playgroups, or library sing along story hours. Having the TV turned off and listening to music, dancing around the house, being silly. Going for great walks around the neighborhood, exploring. Cooking family dinners and all eating togther.
I have tried everyone of these "ideals" and more times then not they all blow up in my face. i realize that Zerrell is still young, but even things I try to do for her age just leave both of us frustrated and in bad moods. I feel like we are oil and water alot of the time. Everyday i start out trying to be a better mom than the day before but when i make that desicion, she usally wakes up at 6am and is already in a bad mood.
It's an up hill batlle everyday, and i try so hard to keep it fun, because when i take a second to step back and look at it from Zerrells point of view, I wouldnt want MY mom yelling and getting frustrated with me everyday all day long. So with that in mind, ive been living in the moment with Zerrell. Taking a deep breath and keep things funny and silly. its not always good, i still fall alot but i try to recover faster.
Another factor is that Ted is not here. There isnt that change of pace at 4:30pm when he would come home. Its just CONSTANT all day, the 3 of us, the dynamic doesnt change. even when my mom comes over or my sister comes home(which is a huge blessing) its still NOT ted.
I have been very depressed the past few weeks. I just MISS ted so very much, its undiscrible. I realized the other day that even though i talk to him almost everyday, and he is physically safe and coming home in the near future, i am grieving him. Its a HUGE loss. I know people who have gone through actual lost of a spouse, father, mother etc and im not trying to compair my suffering to theirs, because I know my loved one is coming back, but its still grief. the paralizing grief that when you look at the kitchen totally dirty, you have no desire to even do anything about it. the paralizing feeling of nothing and yet EVERY thought running through your head all at the same time. The overwhelming fact that you know you need to eat but you cant even begin to think about how prepare yourself something to eat. Or you arent able to STOP eatting. wanting to just go to bed at 3pm in the afternoon, yet being wide awake at 12am. Luckily my kids keep me up and running to a certain normal point. I think the biggest thing about grieving Ted is that i am truely SO very lonely. Even more so because i have two kids. Desprate housewives Lynette said it best a few weeks ago whe talking about motherhood "you will have points where you have never felt more alone in your entire life YET YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE!"
Motherhood... "I was a great mother before I had kids." I think about this everyday. For so long in my life I wanted to be a mommy. I baby sat for years and truely enjoyed it. I doted on my little cousins for years, my aunt marianne always called me "her lady in waiting." When my godson was born I feell in love with him and just couldnt get enough of him.
I had great plans of doing all of these wonderful art projects and going to playgroups, or library sing along story hours. Having the TV turned off and listening to music, dancing around the house, being silly. Going for great walks around the neighborhood, exploring. Cooking family dinners and all eating togther.
I have tried everyone of these "ideals" and more times then not they all blow up in my face. i realize that Zerrell is still young, but even things I try to do for her age just leave both of us frustrated and in bad moods. I feel like we are oil and water alot of the time. Everyday i start out trying to be a better mom than the day before but when i make that desicion, she usally wakes up at 6am and is already in a bad mood.
It's an up hill batlle everyday, and i try so hard to keep it fun, because when i take a second to step back and look at it from Zerrells point of view, I wouldnt want MY mom yelling and getting frustrated with me everyday all day long. So with that in mind, ive been living in the moment with Zerrell. Taking a deep breath and keep things funny and silly. its not always good, i still fall alot but i try to recover faster.
Another factor is that Ted is not here. There isnt that change of pace at 4:30pm when he would come home. Its just CONSTANT all day, the 3 of us, the dynamic doesnt change. even when my mom comes over or my sister comes home(which is a huge blessing) its still NOT ted.
I have been very depressed the past few weeks. I just MISS ted so very much, its undiscrible. I realized the other day that even though i talk to him almost everyday, and he is physically safe and coming home in the near future, i am grieving him. Its a HUGE loss. I know people who have gone through actual lost of a spouse, father, mother etc and im not trying to compair my suffering to theirs, because I know my loved one is coming back, but its still grief. the paralizing grief that when you look at the kitchen totally dirty, you have no desire to even do anything about it. the paralizing feeling of nothing and yet EVERY thought running through your head all at the same time. The overwhelming fact that you know you need to eat but you cant even begin to think about how prepare yourself something to eat. Or you arent able to STOP eatting. wanting to just go to bed at 3pm in the afternoon, yet being wide awake at 12am. Luckily my kids keep me up and running to a certain normal point. I think the biggest thing about grieving Ted is that i am truely SO very lonely. Even more so because i have two kids. Desprate housewives Lynette said it best a few weeks ago whe talking about motherhood "you will have points where you have never felt more alone in your entire life YET YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE!"
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