ghosts of christmas pass

Christmas has always been a hard season for me... I've never really liked it. I can never really pin point the exact reason i have such an aversion for it but its more a feeling i get. there are some memories that have produced these feelings. like the Christmas i was about 12 and found ALL my Christmas presents before Christmas and i hated all of them, i tearfully told my mom of my findings and being the wonderful mother she is she returned them all and bought the things i wanted.
There are ALL the many Christmases that i was single, which was a huge heartache and struggle for me, it was alot of these years of being single that i developed some of the bad self images i have of myself. So each year at Christmas was just a HUGE negative milestone for me and confirmation of my negative thoughts of myself.
Then there are the years of working in retail during the Christmas season. the years of Christmas starting the end of august for me and having to listen to the same Christmas music for 8 weeks straight. the materialistic part of Christmas was too much for me to handle. the MEAN people out there during the holiday season. the LONG hours, and the demand to perform certain unrealistic expectations all for the sake of making more money. This would often bring me to tears at the end of the day during the holiday season.
When i was 25 i finally had a boyfriend during Christmas, that was a fun Christmas other than the fact that i finally had my own store which was in the mall... even the most cheerful of holiday persons would have been brought to tears like i was.
The following Christmas, after much on again off again with the same boyfriend, we celebrated it together but this time is was all a lie because i knew in my heart i was in the wrong relationship and the honest truth was that i was doing things to myself that were very self destructive.
The following Christmas was with Ted. That was a very nice Christmas, we were madly in love, freshly married and waiting for Zerrell to arrive but despite all the excitement i was once again working in a money hungry company with a nasty boss. it was during this Christmas season that my boss accused me of being a bad manager for not punishing one of my partners and continued to tell me that if i couldn't even manage adults what type of mother was i going to be in the future? it was one of those moments that you are SO caught off guard you cant even respond. i waited till i left work and was home with ted to burst into tears.. ted wanted me to quite that moment and sue.
The following Christmas i was a stay at home mom but the nasty taste of Christmas from all of the years before was heavy and i didn't enjoy it much. the following Christmas i was a mother of two, we had our own place, but we knew Ted would be deploying in afew shorts months and in my mind all i could think about was him leaving. which brings us to last year... NO TED. The whole season was just very very painful. we had just left ted in Germany, so the pain and anxiety of separation was still very fresh, there wasn't a scab over it yet. I did all the shopping myself, our family Christmas picture was without ted, every damn song on the radio was "I'll be home for Christmas" i knew ted was suffering where he was too. we were able to sykpe Christmas morning and he saw the kids open all their presents.
So you see why i just don't like Christmas. i cant ever really remember having that magical feeling of "looking forward" to Christmas. I'm not a scrooge. we decorate our house, i try to make tradition for the kids. As God would have it Christmas is Ted's favorite season. he loves Christmas, he has many happy memories of Christmas.
I am writing this long novel to bring out this one point. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SINCE I CAN HONESTLY REMEMBER THAT I AM TRULY EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS! Its December 2ND and the whole house it decked out! i even put decoration up in the bathroom! We have been listening to Christmas music since the day after thanksgiving. we have holiday activities planned and are excited about them. Its a wonderful feeling!
Through all of this time though i find myself being unable to hold tears back. i cry at least 2 times a day. granted I'm 8 month pregnant but its more than that. While i am finally experiencing this magical season i am grieving the past. my old therapist once told me that when i am trying to create new memories to over come the old bad memories that i will be at this happy place and still be crying. but that that is OK.. give into the tears because while you are happy in this moment you are still grieving the past. and i find myself shedding tears for so many reason. alot having to do with my past(old self imagine are the hardest things to change) and also i finally figured out that even though Ted is home, safe and sound and we are good, that i hardly let myself cry last year, i couldn't. it was too painful, i had to keep busy. so NOW i am finally able to shed and shed and shed all my tears from the past year of NO TED. its a weird feeling to be happy one moment then burst into tears the next. but i know the tears are there and they NEED to come, they NEED to flow and so i let them!
I know the rest of my Christmas might not be as magical as this one but for now i am living it up!

its been a LONG summer

I have wanted to sit down and write so many times but it just never happens. It was a LONG summer! I had lots of "morning sickness" followed by lots of weekend trips which took us right through till the middle of September. We went to the Yosemite a few times, over Tioga Pass to Mamouth, the beach, the Bay Area for a Dave Matthews show, up to Chico for a family wedding and Dan and Shari came for a 2 week visit. And its been HOT here, something that has been VERY hard to handle this year for me!

Zerrell took swim lessons for the first time, some lessons she more willing than others, but by the end of July she was swimming with no floaties, under the water and jumping into the pool. She LOVES the pool. She still talks a mile a minute and after about 30mins with her you know her whole life story. Her language and memory are amazing. She still talks about Ted being gone and coming home. And lately she is in need of LOTS of attention and affection from Ted. Which he gives to her, but never seems to be enough. She has very definite opinions and ideas about life and while that can be hard to deal with, she has her sweet funny side that keeps us laughing. She TRUELY believes that this baby inside me is a girl and that we are naming it "Judy." She has even told me that i CAN NOT bring a baby boy home. Lord help us if its a boy! I tried telling her that the new baby will bring her a special present for being a good big sister. So now when she "talks" to my belly she says "Hi baby Judy, i love you! what are you going to bring me at the hospital? Id like a Big Silvermist doll" She is excited about having a new baby... for now.


Harper is still my sweet mellow red headed boy. He isn't talking alot with words but communicates pretty well with sounds and the few words that he does say. He loves ted so much and willing goes with him anywhere he goes. he is standing up to Zerrell alot more, usually with screaming and sometimes hitting her. But they are at a good age that they will play with eachother, which is so neat to see, until they start fighting. He loves hanging out in the garage with Ted. He is madly in love with trains and a TV show called Little Einsteins. He can play by himself, pushing his trains all around and making sound affects. He loves baseball and will sit there and watch it on TV with my dad. He is a great eater too! he will easily eat 3 whole pieces of tri tip, half a potato and lots of watermelon at dinner. It so interesting to see how different his personality is from Zerrell. He can be shy around new people but he is a little dare devil, jumping off furniture and climbing everything!


Ted is doing well and recently got a new job, which has been a HUGE answer to many many prayers that we have been praying about for a few years now. He is doing the same thing at the same place just on the private side as opposed to the government side. He gets paid more(which relieves alot of stress for us), health insurance including dental and vision(something we have never had). he isn't waiting each year on CA to pass their budget to insure he can keep his job, and it allows future opportunities for our family on matters that we have been praying about for the past few years.

Im getting bigger and bigger. As of today I'm in my 3rd trimester. the baby moves around alot! I have been feeling ok, just tired alot. but that is to be expected when you have two small kids at home. I have been having some contractions which means that i need to be resting more. We are keeping the sex of the baby a surprise, which is fun and hard all at the same time. Im excited that it is October, this is my favorite month. I just love the weather and Halloween! Next month will mark one year since we went to Europe to visit Ted. Zerrell and I were looking at pictures yesterday, as much fun as we had they still make me cry everytime i see them. ted always reminds me that we got through it and that we are together again, but it is still hard and i can see some lasting scares on all of us. I know that with time God will help us heal from last year and hopefully be able help other people who are going through the same thing.

http://picasaweb.google.com/home

look at "summer 2010'

survived?

When ted first got home everyone would say "yeah, its over we survived!" "You did it, you survived!" but lately i have been wondering if we have survived? yeah we got through 11 months of ted being gone but survived? i feel that we havent fully "survived." that we are all different and broken from this past 11 months and that there are ribbles that we havent even experienced yet and may be dealing with for years to come.

Blessed but cant forget

Everyday i read the paper. Everyday i see how more ad more soldiers are being killed in Afghanistan and the fighting is strong and thick exactly where Ted was stationed. I sigh a relief every day i finish reading the articles but i also say a prayer for the Missouri AVCRAD that is currently deployed ad took over for Ted's unit, i also pray for their families that are here in the states struggling without them. I am so grateful that Ted came home when he did, right before this insurgent. I am so grateful that no one in Ted's unit was injured, although his hanger that he worked in everyday, 6 days a week was hit shortly before they left for home, it by the absolute grace of God that one was more injured than some ringing in their ears. It happened about 2 hours before Ted's shift was suppose to start. One guy was saved literally because he had just bent down to repair something lower on the helicopter, and everything just above his head was hit with random shrapnel.

His base in Afghanistan was attacked about 2 months ago, a few people got killed and there was lots of damage. It really hit home how lucky everyone was to be home.

On the 4th of July, after we had come home, we sat up listening to all the booms and whistles of the large illegal fireworks going off in our neighborhood, yet we didn't see anything pretty in the sky and ted was telling he that these were the sounds he heard 24hours a day while he was gone, that you would freeze a for a few moments waiting to see or hear if it landed. He said it was really scary at times.

So when i read the paper everyday, i remember everything that my husband went through, everything that we went through and am so very grateful that he is home, although we are very blessed, neither us will ever really forget this past year.

oh, June

June, June, June... Ted travel most of June, being gone 3 of the four weeks. He was working in southern California repairing helicopter for another unit that will be deploying at the end of this year. While it brought in a little bit more money(which has been very helpful) it was still terrible having him gone so much. Zerrell kept asking if he was in Germany(she still thinks that Ted was living in Germany at the house we rented, the whole time he was deployed), she also asked if we were going to make signs every time he came home for a few days( just like we did he we finally came home in March). Harper always wanted to talk to Ted on the phone but would NEVER hand me back the phone and would scream and cry when I tried to talk to ted on the phone. I felt like crap most of the time, between being a single mom again, morning/all day sickness and it getting hotter. So the kids and I decided to go down and spend about 5 days with Ted. We actually made it down there (5hours) without any meltdowns, from me or the kids and we had a very enjoyable time in the 75degree weather. We hung out on base a bit while Ted was working, we went to the beach a few times, went to an Angle's game and drove down to San Diego and went to Sea World. There was a lot more of Sea World that we could have seen but with a tired dad, a pregnant mom and 2 tired kids, we headed home early, plus we had gotten in for free, so we didn't feel too bad not seeing everything, what we did see was alot of fun. The kids and I drove home from 65 degree weather to 108!

We have spent most of June, growing our garden, we have eaten 12 tomatoes, 3 Armenian cucumbers, one Armenian pepper, 2 yellow squash and hundreds of apricots and plums!

I am getting bigger everyday, not big were people notice that I'm pregnant, just big enough were NONE of my regular clothes fit me, AT ALL. As of today I'm 12 weeks and the sickness is FINALLY starting to ease up a bit, although the exhaustion is setting in. Zerrell knows there is a baby inside my tummy and keeps telling me there is a girl AND boy in there... that's kinda scary.

Ted is really enjoying his job, besides all the time away. He has recently gotten into bike riding. He was ridding to and from work alot and doing some 25mile rides on the weekend. Ted;s work has recently moved to 4 10hours days a week, meaning that he now has every Saturday, Sunday and Monday off. We haven't been able to enjoy it yet since he has been traveling so much but we will next week!

Zerrell is doing well at her swimming lessons and getting more and more daring in Nana's swimming pool. She still will only wear dresses and changes her clothes about 3 times a day. She LOVES to sing, often wanting to sing by herself, not wanting anyone else to sing with her. She is still pretty bossy of Harper but he is starting to make his come back. Zerrell has an amazing memory and still talks constantly. She says some of the funniest things. When we were driving home last week, I told her that once we got out of the mountains we would get out eat something and stretch our legs. We ate lunch and were back in the car driving when she said "mom!! we forgot to stretch our legs!" She is tall for her age and a great jumper. She jumps off our front porch(3 steps high) onto the grass without question.

Harper, while still more mellow is wanting to do EVERYTHING Zerrell does, including jumping off the front porch by himself. He follows Zerrell around copying her every action, good and bad. He is starting to put a fight when Zerrell takes ssomething from him, even hitting her a good one sometimes. He adores my dad, always saying "papa!" the minute we pull up to their house. He will sit on my dads lap and watch baseball with him, making baseball sound effects. He is liking the water, although NOT in his face. He can say just a fews, like moma, papa, keys. but has lots of sound effects for other things and nods his head yes and no very well.

We still have projects we are trying to finish around the house. A few more rooms to paint but our next BIG project will be putting in a new kitchen, laundry room and back bathroom floor in early august when Ted's parents come out to visit. Its hard to believe it been almost 2 years since we first moved in here. We continue to enjoy this house so much and making so many wonderful memories here to add to all of my great childhood memories of this house already.

pictures to enjoy:

http://picasaweb.google.com/brig.dmb/June2010?authkey=Gv1sRgCKnLhufvpe_1xgE#

May

It hard to believe that May has already come and gone! Yikes!
So the highlights of May:
Ted got a job! the One we had been wanting and praying about ever since he returned home. It's working where he was working before he left at the AVCRAD, where his unit is. So he is working on helicopters. he enjoys it and he works with a great group of people! the only down side is that he has had the travel, 3 days last week and all of this week. I'm trying to be the supportive wife but the big selfish part of me, HATES it! haven't I've met my quota for "single mother?" The kids start acting out the minute he leaves too, which is hard. Zerrell wakes up every morning saying in a frantic voice "wheres my dad?" The plus side is that he gets paid a little extra to go on these trips, and gets few extra days of vacation because of them, which down the rode we will appreciate.

The kids are growing and growing. getting funnier and funnier and into more and more trouble!
Zerrell still talks a mile a minute from sunrise to sunset! Her imagination is great and her latest thing is that her name is "judy." She has started swim lessons and is really enjoying it, its fun to see her in a little class of kids.

Harper's favorite thing to do is stick his hand down his pants. Any chance he gets, he walk out to the kitchen in the morning with this groggy look on his face and his hand down his diaper. He is in love with ALL tools and recently discovered hot wheel cars, pushing them around the floor making noises.

We have enjoyed the cooler weather this month, taking lots of bike rides, going to the zoo and a few other little day trips around our area. Our side fence totally feel down a few weeks ago, so over the holiday weekend my dad and Ted rebuilt it. Shari is in town, which is always fun. Earlier this month we attended a very very nice "Yellow Ribbon Welcome Home Ceremony" for teds whole unit. It was at the Holiday Inn and ted along with his fellow soldiers received some very nice awards.

One more piece of news... WE ARE EXPECTING AGAIN!! Jan 8, 2011. Ive been feeling like sh*t! which is even worse when you have two small kids and Ted's been out of town. I have NOT been a happy camper! Our whole family is very excited!

here are some pictures for you to enjoy
http://picasaweb.google.com/brig.dmb/May2010#

IM back!

It has been OH SO LONG since I have written anything. I have come to realize just how much time a Husband takes up. There is SO much to talk about! so go get a cup of coffee, turn on a cartoon for the kids and get comfortable you are about to read a short novel and AFTER the short novel there is a HUGE novel of pictures, but don't worry, if I bore you too much I have put together an abridge version of pictures for you to enjoy.


Ted came home on Sunday March 7th! One of the BEST days of my life! My parents and sister came out with me and the kids and the only thing that made it bad was that Ted sat in the BACK of the plane which meant he was one of the LAST people to get off! From the moment Zerrell saw him she wouldn't let him OUT OF HER SIGHT! Harper took a few minutes to realize that Ted was IN PERSON, not on a computer screen. We were all crying!

The first few days of him being home brought me an intense load of emotions that I truly WASN'T expecting to feel. I felt VERY anxious, even having a few anxiety attacks. I would start crying for No reason, I felt very closterphobic, I had trouble sleeping. It was awful, even though I was OVER JOYED that he was finally home. I finally realized that for the past 11 months I've had to be SO strong. For myself, for my kids. I had a few moments here and there were I would just sob and sob, but I had two small kids to take care of. I couldn't stay in bed all day because I missed Ted so much it physically hurt, I couldn't be completely depressed. I didn't let myself go to those places because like I said I had TWO SMALL kids who needed me. So we got out of bed everyday and got dressed and I think Ted finally being home allowed me for the first time in 11 months to actually grieve him being gone. And once he was home and seeing him with the kids it made me realize JUST HOW MUCH we all missed out on with him being gone for so long. My mom also pointed out that when ted left I had just had Harper, he was only 4months old and that some of my emotional reaction after Ted came home could have been post partum that I wasn't able to experience because I "had to be strong." Also I was under SO much stress with Ted being gone, I ended up loosing alot of weight and I never got my period back after having Harper. After a few weeks of him being home, I started feel "normal" again. I am back to my pre- deployment size and aunt flow has come a callin'.



The Kids are still madly in love with Ted. Zerrell wouldn't let him out of her sight for the first week. Poor guy couldn't even go to the bathroom without her wanting to come in with him. Which made for some rather funny moments since Zerrell is being potty trained and up until then had never seen a "boy" go to the bathroom. She decided that she wanted to STAND UP just like dad. I had to break the news that girls have to sit down. Then a few days later ted was in the bathroom with the door shut and Zerrell asked "dad are you going poop?" ted said yes. Zerrell then said "are you standing up?" I just love how little kids minds work. She still thinks that ted has been in Germany this whole time, staying at the house we rented when we met him there in November. Kinda cute, kinda sad. She still struggles when he leaves to go anywhere, even the store for 20mins. But she cant get enough of Ted being home and tickling her and rough housing with her, I know she had missed that TERRIBLY while he was gone. She also every so many days asks "mom are we a happy family now?" Because when ted was gone, I would speak of the fact that when he got home we would be a "happy family again." Zerrell is still a very strong willed child and the more she speaks the feistier she gets. Its been a challenge for ted to get in the groove of discipline, but he is doing very well. I am doing very well too and every so often Zerrell will demonstrate that there is hope and that maybe some of our better parenting has paid off. We recently cut her hair short, she looks so cute! She is growing like a weed and she still talks 24 hours a day! Even ted(who talked just like she did at that age) gets tired of it, I tell him its HIS fault. I was never this much of a talker. As much as her talking NEVER stops, she has some very funny insights and observations about the world around her. She can crack me up like no one else can. She has become a fabulous bike rider. She still has her training wheels on but just yesterday she rode OVER a MILE with ted and I. She keeps up with us pretty well, the only problem is that she's the type of girl that gets easily distracted and often start steering off in the wrong direction because she was paying attention to a bird or a flower. She still picks on Harper, but he is catching up to her and I know he is plotting his revenge, just as soon as he gets a little bigger.

Harper has FULLY come to understand the awesomeness called DAD! He gets SO excited everytime ted comes home from somewhere. He sees ted outside and starts screams and yelling and running as fast as he can to the front door. Then when Ted opens the door Harper throws his arms around ted legs and has the biggest smile you have ever seen. He eggs Ted on to tickle him and chase him around the house. He follows Ted outside and studies everything he does in the garage. He has to be right there in the action with a tool in his hand, helping Ted. He LOVES tools, all kinds. recently ted was hammering something and Harper was right there making this funny excited noise and the best way to describe the noise is the Tim Allen(Home Improvement) man grunt noise. It was so cute. Harper is communicating now, though not through any words. He shakes his head yes and no and understand when we ask him something. He is a dare devil too. He loves to climb, jump from our coffee table to the couch and jump on the bed. He is getting a little more mischievous but still remains my quite sweet boy. He knows how to push Zerrells buttons but the older he is getting the more they are playing together, which is fun to see... when they aren't fighting over the same toy.

While Ted was gone I was apart of a wonderful group called the Family Readiness Group. It was other wives and family members from the same unit as Ted. While the monthly meetings weren't anything special, it was a time to just know Iwas in the presence of other women who were going through the same thing. We all became close to eachother. We had a our last meeting about a month after our soldiers got home and I cant describe to you how important and meaningful this last meeting was. It was like we all need to just see eachother one last time knowing our loved ones where home safe and sound. One wife commented on how the whole experience just seems like a really bad dream now and that is exactly how it feels. Its like he has always been home yet there is unseen wound that still slightly lingers that make you realize just how sweet and how bitter life can be.

My father in law asked me awhile back "what do you think God is trying to teach you through all of this?" And I have to admit that at the time he posed the question I felt like saying a few snide remarks like "How to have a nervous break down" or "I don't really care what he is trying to teach me, this SUCKS, I just want ted home." But his question from that moment on has not left my thoughts and its something I reflect on often. I still don't know if I have an good answer for him. Now that Ted has been home for almost 2 months there are a few things I can say. I love ted more NOW than I ever have. I know that I am alot stronger than I thought iIwould be, I am PROUD of our family and what we have survived. I look at the American flag different, I listen to the national anthem differently. I stop and look at the fighter jets EVERYTIME they pass over, they have a different meaning now. I know that God had a reason for ted being deployed and maybe we haven't fully realized that yet.

Ted is doing well. We are still waiting to hear about a job for him at the AVCRAD(a contract job with the national guard). We have had to be faithful servants of God and trust He has the right Job for Ted, as hard as it is sometime to fully relinquish control and but everything in Gods hands. We have been blessed with enough money at the moment to pay down and or off alot of our debt and still able to enjoy life's little pleasure that ted was away from for so long, like mexican food, starbucks, jamba juice. We splurged a little and bought me a bike and the kids bike seats. We go bike riding as a family almost everyday, either just around our neighborhood or about 3 miles down to Fig Garden Village. Even though the time off is a bit anxious for ted, who truly enjoys working, we know it a blessing from God to have this constant time together as a family.

Ted has taken out the trash every Thursday since he has been home, he cleans up the kitchen(good too), he picks up the kids toys, he puts gas in the car, he runs to the store. I cant say we haven't had a few hiccups since he's been home but knowing how awful it was without him makes me appreciate all of the small things he does to make my life a little bit easier. He has even said on a few occasion " I don't know HOW you did it all by yourself for 11 months, I'm exhausted after just a few hours" I tell him that I don't know either.

So some of the fun highlights: We went to Pismo for the day, the kids LOVED it! We went to the snow for the day, Harper HATED it, Zerrell was so so. We put in a vegetable garden and the plants are still alive. I got to have a girls night out with about 6 really close friends/family. We drank too much and I didn't get home till 1:30am! it was great! We had our annual St Patricks Day Dinner with a total of 38 people this year! My sister Maire graduated from massage therapy school! I gave my cousin autumn a baby shower(along with liz) for 40 people. Ted's parents and brother came for a short visit. We celebrated Easter! Last Easter was the day that ted left. BASEBALL season has arrived. We have gone to 3 games in 1 week. Go Fresno Grizzlies. My mom turned 60 last week. And of course the day to day adventures of being parents and just enjoying eachother.

Please continue to pray for a job for ted in Fresno. We thank our Lord for all His Abundance!

Ok so here are the photos, 3 different links but you might be able to navigate to the other two after you view one of them.

http://picasaweb.google.com/brig.dmb/March2010#

http://picasaweb.google.com/brig.dmb/Easter2010#

http://picasaweb.google.com/brig.dmb/AprilPart1#

PS<>

the highlights in pictures

Digital slideshow generated with Smilebox

Life...

I sit here tonight with my laptop on the couch and on one hand I have so much I want to share yet iIam drawing a blank. I make up these wonderful blogs in my head when Im doing random things, like taking a shower, cleaning the kitchen or driving and yet when I come to find a few minutes to write, Im at a lost. Probably because the few minutes to myself come at 11pm or later and I've been up since 7:30am.

SO, here are some high lights for now to accompany the pictures and hopefully the inspiration to write passionately will return to me soon.

Ted is, as we speak, sitting somewhere in Kuwait waiting to board an airplane to come to the USA! I can hardly believe it. I have SO much to say about this and there will be future blogs about this subject. But for now I am extremely antsy for him to get home!

We had some wonderful weather around the middle of the month which was so nice we just had to get out in it. we went to the park alot and the zoo! Both my kids LOVE the zoo. I enjoy it too.

Zerrell turned 3! She had a Disney Princess Party and had alot of fun. She has really turned into a preschooler in the past few weeks. her speech and the way she talks has changed from that 2 year old. She LOVES LOVES LOVES dressing up(as you will see in the pictures) she often wears a summer dress, no matter what the temperature is outside. she never complains that she is cold, so I brave the dirty looks by people at the store and play grounds.

Harper is growing and growing, he thinks he is 3 too. He is starting to NOT want to be in his highchair but rather sit next to us on a chair, just like zerrell. He likes to jump off the coffee table onto the couch, just like zerrell. He likes to go sit in "time out" not because he is in trouble but because he sees zerrell there. He even let Zerrell stamp his whole face with her colorful stamps the other day. He is still a quieter child than zerrell but he is alot of fun.

Enjoy the pictures!

http://picasaweb.google.com/brig.dmb/Feb2010#

rain

I never use to like the rain that much, but about 4 years ago it was one of those unusual seasons in Fresno where we got a TON of rain. I had ended a very toxic relationship and I was going through a spiritual "cleanse" if you will. Focusing on my relationship with God and getting back to what my true life goals were. I had just moved to a new store to manage and with all this change I was really excited. I felt like a new chapter had just started in my life and iIwas truly happy, even through the pain and process of healing. I can distinctly remember standing at the bar of my new store looking out at the pouring rain with a sense of contentment,(something I very rarely felt). I knew I had put God first in my life and I was excited to see where it would lead me. I was happy being single for the time being knowing that God was working through me and Iwas on the right path to meeting my future husband but I was OK if that wasn't to happen for awhile, I TRUSTED fully in God.
One of the partners at my new store was a huge music lover and had rigged up a system to play his own music while working through the store speakers, I was OK with it as long as the music wasn't inappropriate. He started playing a young jazz musician named Jamie Cullum. This music became the soundtrack to my life at a time of healing and excitement of what was coming over the horizon. And that "what" was Ted. Through the pouring rain, of those first few months at Riverpark, I felt like it was cleaning the slate, washing away the bad and bringing in the wonderful. That music carried over into the months of Ted and I falling in love with eachother and to this day when I hear it, it makes me smile. Turns out Ted loves the rain and he made me grow to love it too. On a whole I still prefer the sunshine, but rain makes me think of Ted and our love. My nana always said "good things come of the rain" Man was she SO right! Ted wrote me a beautiful email after a rainy evening spent together, an email were he told me that he was 'falling for me'. It rained on the day Zerrell was born too.
So at this time in my life, this sorrow and struggle of being separated from Ted, it is once again raining alot, I should mention that it really hasn't rained in Fresno since 2006 when Ted and I met. Its raining and I know that in a very short time Ted will be home, so once again the rain is brings good things, like the love of my life back home to me!
Here is the song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4C1_1aQtiSA&feature=fvw

Next month...

I can now officially say that NEXT month Ted will be home! We still don't have a date but it should be the first half of March. Its really hard to believe that we are almost done with his deployment. This HUGE "thing" that has been apart of our lives for the past 3 years is finally coming to an end. I have been thinking about THIS moment for 3 years and in about 6weeks we will finally be a family together again, in the same place, without this "thing" always looming in the back of our minds. Praise Jesus!

This last month has gone by relatively fast but not without alot of struggle. I constantly feel like I am failing as a mother, I so often worry that Ted being gone will scar Zerrell and I also think that my mothering over this past 10months will scar her too. I have had too many moment that I am not proud of and rather ashamed of. I want to be a better mother, both my kids deserve that, but I am just so exhausted and miss ted so very much, I find myself having a shorter and shorter fuse and its a slippery slope once that fuse has been lit.

People keep saying "oh its only 2 more months or 6 more weeks. You can do that compared to how long he's already been gone" but my reality is that it is ANOTHER 6 weeks ON TOP of the past 10months. I pray eachday for the strength to be the mother that I want to be, the mother that Zerrell and Harper deserve. I do find that in some of my darker moment my kids will do something funny or cute that makes me smile.

Zerrell has bee doing better with some of her anger issues. We have been going to play therapy and trying some new techniques at home and they have been working well. She still talks ALL OF THE TIME. She comes up with some of the funniest things. Today she asked me if our new drapes where "the latest style." She loves pretending she is a ballerina and dances all over the house. She has very strong opinions on most everything. Its hard to believe that she is almost 3.

Harper is still madly in love with Zerrell and always wants to be doing everything she is doing. he even likes to go sit in our timeout spot, not because he is in trouble, but because he sees Zerrell doing it. He is watching her like a hawk and thinks he can do anything she can. He has learned how to climb up on our couch, on the arm rest, onto the back of the couch to reach the lamp and turn it off, JUST LIKE HIS BIG SISTER. He does this and looks at me with this HUGE grin on his face because he is just SO proud of himself. Today he figured out that he can get up on the coffee table and jump/fall onto the couch.

We celebrated my sisters birthday by going roller skating, Zerrell did well on skates. My parents celebrated their 35 wedding anniversary. And we celebrated Ted's birthday via skype and a birthday cake here in California.

My big accomplishment for this month was FINALLY getting our frontrom painted and finished. It took me two full weeks of working a couple of hours a night once the kids went to bed but I got it done, painted top to bottom and new slipcovers on some of the furniture. Its such a joy to have it finished. I just cant wait for Ted to see it. Please keep us in your prayers, these last 6 weeks are going to be tough.

http://picasaweb.google.com/brig.dmb/Jan2010#

pooping is a family affair

Most people would assume that pooping is something one does by themselves, but not me, not me the mother of two small kids. I am sharing this because when i was pooping the other day I found myself laughing hysterically at the event. This is how it usually plays out
I realize I have to poop, so I go into the bathroom without saying anything to Zerrell and Harper( this is wishful thinking that maybe they wont notice I'm gone) But before I can even sit down Harper is following me. I should tell you that Harper LOVES the toilet! he tries to get into it any chance he gets. So I have to put the lid up and sit down as fast as I can so that Harper doesn't get the chance to put his hands in the water. I also have to FULLY sit on the seat, because if there is any room for Harper to put his hands in the water he will, so if I'm fully covering the seat this makes Harper mad and he tries to PUSH me off the seat. When that doesn't work either one of two things happens, either he wants to sit on my lap or he starts to unroll all of the toilet paper. SO if that wasn't enough, Zerrell will start yelling through the house "mom, where are you?" "Zerrell I'm in the bathroom!" I should tell you that Zerrell is in the early stages of potty training, so every ones body functions is extremely fascinating to her. Zerrell comes in, sees me sitting on the toilet and delightfully says " Oh are you going poop mom?" "yes Zerrell I am" " Oh can I see it?" while she is already heading to the back of the toilet to see if she can see anything, which she cant because i have to FULLY be covering the seat due to Harper. I tell her she can see it when I'm done "OK, thanks mom" she says while she trots over the the sink the start washing her hands, because she loves to wash her hand with WAY too much soap and WAY too much water. So here I am sitting FULLY on the toilet, with one kid unravelling the toilet paper, the other getting soapy water everywhere while every few seconds asking me "are you done yet mom? Can I see?" When the time come to finish up and wipe I have to do THAT as fast as I can and very strategically so that Harper again doesn't get his hands in the toilet bowl, and of course there is Zerrell poking her head in to "see my poop." When I explained this whole thing to Ted he just said "why don't you just shut the door?" If I "just" shut the door I first off wouldn't be able to hear if anything was going on assuming the kids weren't in the bathroom with me and also I would have two screaming kids trying to BREAK the door down, yelling for me to let them in and who can poop with THAT kind of pressuring hurrying you along?
Fathers don't have this issue because they do "just" shut the door and us as wives explain to our kids that dad needs privacy, and our kids EXCEPT this and go on their merry way, all the while our husband take their sweet time in there with their reading material or sudoku. But it dawned on me that they really don't need all that time to go poop, THEY ARE HIDING OUT, and who is going to argue with someone about how long it takes for them to go poop? well I DID one time with Ted, when I confronted Ted with my theory he didn't confirm nor denye it.
Ill finish this story up with what my mom has always told me about motherhood being a full time job and how husbands don't always "get it." It would be like everytime your husband is at work and has to go to the bathroom, the WHOLE office following him in there.

The Count Down List

I still dont have an exact day of when ted will be touching down at the AVCRAD, so I cant begi the mark down of my calander or a fun construction paper chain, BUT I do know a few things that I can start counting down.

Here's my List:

One more oil change in the car

4 more pay checks

2 more month of ME having to pay all the bills

Next time I pay the water/garbage bill, Ted will be home

Next time the water filter in the Brita needs to be changed Ted will be home

Next time i buy wippies at costco Ted will be home

SEE ya 2009!

so on the second day of the new year I am having a bad day. I am missing ted something awful today, not that I don't miss him every second of everyday but for some reason today is really hard. I am hopeful that he is coming home in about 2 months which sounds like such a short time but I am worried that it will be a difficult 2 months. I am so exhausted i could just curl up and cry. I feel on most days that I have nothing left in me to give to anyone.
December was a long month without Ted. I have never been a huge fan of Christmas, so adding that on top of Ted being gone was hard. I decided to do Christmas light in the house, we got a tree and just put lights on it, put out our 3 Nativity scenes, Christmas books, lights outside and a winter door mat. that was it. I just wasn't feeling like celebrating but didn't want to scare my kids with a lack of Christmas spirit in the house. Dan and Shari arrived on the 16th and spent 16 wonderful days with us. Dan fixed odds and end around the house and Shari cooked some wonderful dinners and cookies. The kids LOVED having them here. Zerrell woke up every morning with Dan and helped him make breakfast, Harper just couldn't get enough of his grandpa always following after him. I think they just enjoyed having the testosterone in the house.
We did our usual Christmas eve at my parents and Christmas morning at our house. ted was able to be on Skype while the kids opened their presents, so that was nice in a very sad sort of way.
New years was spent half at my cousins, Jacob and Liz's and the other half at our house. Harper passed out at 9pm and Zerrell stuck it out till 12:15am. I was very glad to see 2009 leave. Such a long trying year.
Zerrell has been really struggling ever since we got home from Germany. She is just very angry about Ted not being here. I am so emotionally and physically exhausted at this point, we are getting some help for her but please keep her in your prayers, myself as well. she is such a sweet funny girl at heart, its heartbreaking for me to see her suffering.
Harper is becoming a full on BOY! climbing everything, throwing everything to see what will happen and banging anything he can get his hands on! its fun to watch him grow.

We still aren't sure when Ted will be home, hopefully not later than the middle of march. He is keeping busy with alot of work coming in, so that helps his time go by faster. We are all so anxious to be a family together again, we are missing each other more each day and it hurts. we are so ready for this to all be over!
http://picasaweb.google.com/brig.dmb/Christmas09?authkey=Gv1sRgCLmw85PX8rahQw#