I never use to like the rain that much, but about 4 years ago it was one of those unusual seasons in Fresno where we got a TON of rain. I had ended a very toxic relationship and I was going through a spiritual "cleanse" if you will. Focusing on my relationship with God and getting back to what my true life goals were. I had just moved to a new store to manage and with all this change I was really excited. I felt like a new chapter had just started in my life and iIwas truly happy, even through the pain and process of healing. I can distinctly remember standing at the bar of my new store looking out at the pouring rain with a sense of contentment,(something I very rarely felt). I knew I had put God first in my life and I was excited to see where it would lead me. I was happy being single for the time being knowing that God was working through me and Iwas on the right path to meeting my future husband but I was OK if that wasn't to happen for awhile, I TRUSTED fully in God.
One of the partners at my new store was a huge music lover and had rigged up a system to play his own music while working through the store speakers, I was OK with it as long as the music wasn't inappropriate. He started playing a young jazz musician named Jamie Cullum. This music became the soundtrack to my life at a time of healing and excitement of what was coming over the horizon. And that "what" was Ted. Through the pouring rain, of those first few months at Riverpark, I felt like it was cleaning the slate, washing away the bad and bringing in the wonderful. That music carried over into the months of Ted and I falling in love with eachother and to this day when I hear it, it makes me smile. Turns out Ted loves the rain and he made me grow to love it too. On a whole I still prefer the sunshine, but rain makes me think of Ted and our love. My nana always said "good things come of the rain" Man was she SO right! Ted wrote me a beautiful email after a rainy evening spent together, an email were he told me that he was 'falling for me'. It rained on the day Zerrell was born too.
So at this time in my life, this sorrow and struggle of being separated from Ted, it is once again raining alot, I should mention that it really hasn't rained in Fresno since 2006 when Ted and I met. Its raining and I know that in a very short time Ted will be home, so once again the rain is brings good things, like the love of my life back home to me!
Here is the song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4C1_1aQtiSA&feature=fvw
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Next month...
I can now officially say that NEXT month Ted will be home! We still don't have a date but it should be the first half of March. Its really hard to believe that we are almost done with his deployment. This HUGE "thing" that has been apart of our lives for the past 3 years is finally coming to an end. I have been thinking about THIS moment for 3 years and in about 6weeks we will finally be a family together again, in the same place, without this "thing" always looming in the back of our minds. Praise Jesus!
This last month has gone by relatively fast but not without alot of struggle. I constantly feel like I am failing as a mother, I so often worry that Ted being gone will scar Zerrell and I also think that my mothering over this past 10months will scar her too. I have had too many moment that I am not proud of and rather ashamed of. I want to be a better mother, both my kids deserve that, but I am just so exhausted and miss ted so very much, I find myself having a shorter and shorter fuse and its a slippery slope once that fuse has been lit.
People keep saying "oh its only 2 more months or 6 more weeks. You can do that compared to how long he's already been gone" but my reality is that it is ANOTHER 6 weeks ON TOP of the past 10months. I pray eachday for the strength to be the mother that I want to be, the mother that Zerrell and Harper deserve. I do find that in some of my darker moment my kids will do something funny or cute that makes me smile.
Zerrell has bee doing better with some of her anger issues. We have been going to play therapy and trying some new techniques at home and they have been working well. She still talks ALL OF THE TIME. She comes up with some of the funniest things. Today she asked me if our new drapes where "the latest style." She loves pretending she is a ballerina and dances all over the house. She has very strong opinions on most everything. Its hard to believe that she is almost 3.
Harper is still madly in love with Zerrell and always wants to be doing everything she is doing. he even likes to go sit in our timeout spot, not because he is in trouble, but because he sees Zerrell doing it. He is watching her like a hawk and thinks he can do anything she can. He has learned how to climb up on our couch, on the arm rest, onto the back of the couch to reach the lamp and turn it off, JUST LIKE HIS BIG SISTER. He does this and looks at me with this HUGE grin on his face because he is just SO proud of himself. Today he figured out that he can get up on the coffee table and jump/fall onto the couch.
We celebrated my sisters birthday by going roller skating, Zerrell did well on skates. My parents celebrated their 35 wedding anniversary. And we celebrated Ted's birthday via skype and a birthday cake here in California.My big accomplishment for this month was FINALLY getting our frontrom painted and finished. It took me two full weeks of working a couple of hours a night once the kids went to bed but I got it done, painted top to bottom and new slipcovers on some of the furniture. Its such a joy to have it finished. I just cant wait for Ted to see it. Please keep us in your prayers, these last 6 weeks are going to be tough.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
pooping is a family affair
Most people would assume that pooping is something one does by themselves, but not me, not me the mother of two small kids. I am sharing this because when i was pooping the other day I found myself laughing hysterically at the event. This is how it usually plays out
I realize I have to poop, so I go into the bathroom without saying anything to Zerrell and Harper( this is wishful thinking that maybe they wont notice I'm gone) But before I can even sit down Harper is following me. I should tell you that Harper LOVES the toilet! he tries to get into it any chance he gets. So I have to put the lid up and sit down as fast as I can so that Harper doesn't get the chance to put his hands in the water. I also have to FULLY sit on the seat, because if there is any room for Harper to put his hands in the water he will, so if I'm fully covering the seat this makes Harper mad and he tries to PUSH me off the seat. When that doesn't work either one of two things happens, either he wants to sit on my lap or he starts to unroll all of the toilet paper. SO if that wasn't enough, Zerrell will start yelling through the house "mom, where are you?" "Zerrell I'm in the bathroom!" I should tell you that Zerrell is in the early stages of potty training, so every ones body functions is extremely fascinating to her. Zerrell comes in, sees me sitting on the toilet and delightfully says " Oh are you going poop mom?" "yes Zerrell I am" " Oh can I see it?" while she is already heading to the back of the toilet to see if she can see anything, which she cant because i have to FULLY be covering the seat due to Harper. I tell her she can see it when I'm done "OK, thanks mom" she says while she trots over the the sink the start washing her hands, because she loves to wash her hand with WAY too much soap and WAY too much water. So here I am sitting FULLY on the toilet, with one kid unravelling the toilet paper, the other getting soapy water everywhere while every few seconds asking me "are you done yet mom? Can I see?" When the time come to finish up and wipe I have to do THAT as fast as I can and very strategically so that Harper again doesn't get his hands in the toilet bowl, and of course there is Zerrell poking her head in to "see my poop." When I explained this whole thing to Ted he just said "why don't you just shut the door?" If I "just" shut the door I first off wouldn't be able to hear if anything was going on assuming the kids weren't in the bathroom with me and also I would have two screaming kids trying to BREAK the door down, yelling for me to let them in and who can poop with THAT kind of pressuring hurrying you along?
Fathers don't have this issue because they do "just" shut the door and us as wives explain to our kids that dad needs privacy, and our kids EXCEPT this and go on their merry way, all the while our husband take their sweet time in there with their reading material or sudoku. But it dawned on me that they really don't need all that time to go poop, THEY ARE HIDING OUT, and who is going to argue with someone about how long it takes for them to go poop? well I DID one time with Ted, when I confronted Ted with my theory he didn't confirm nor denye it.
Ill finish this story up with what my mom has always told me about motherhood being a full time job and how husbands don't always "get it." It would be like everytime your husband is at work and has to go to the bathroom, the WHOLE office following him in there.
I realize I have to poop, so I go into the bathroom without saying anything to Zerrell and Harper( this is wishful thinking that maybe they wont notice I'm gone) But before I can even sit down Harper is following me. I should tell you that Harper LOVES the toilet! he tries to get into it any chance he gets. So I have to put the lid up and sit down as fast as I can so that Harper doesn't get the chance to put his hands in the water. I also have to FULLY sit on the seat, because if there is any room for Harper to put his hands in the water he will, so if I'm fully covering the seat this makes Harper mad and he tries to PUSH me off the seat. When that doesn't work either one of two things happens, either he wants to sit on my lap or he starts to unroll all of the toilet paper. SO if that wasn't enough, Zerrell will start yelling through the house "mom, where are you?" "Zerrell I'm in the bathroom!" I should tell you that Zerrell is in the early stages of potty training, so every ones body functions is extremely fascinating to her. Zerrell comes in, sees me sitting on the toilet and delightfully says " Oh are you going poop mom?" "yes Zerrell I am" " Oh can I see it?" while she is already heading to the back of the toilet to see if she can see anything, which she cant because i have to FULLY be covering the seat due to Harper. I tell her she can see it when I'm done "OK, thanks mom" she says while she trots over the the sink the start washing her hands, because she loves to wash her hand with WAY too much soap and WAY too much water. So here I am sitting FULLY on the toilet, with one kid unravelling the toilet paper, the other getting soapy water everywhere while every few seconds asking me "are you done yet mom? Can I see?" When the time come to finish up and wipe I have to do THAT as fast as I can and very strategically so that Harper again doesn't get his hands in the toilet bowl, and of course there is Zerrell poking her head in to "see my poop." When I explained this whole thing to Ted he just said "why don't you just shut the door?" If I "just" shut the door I first off wouldn't be able to hear if anything was going on assuming the kids weren't in the bathroom with me and also I would have two screaming kids trying to BREAK the door down, yelling for me to let them in and who can poop with THAT kind of pressuring hurrying you along?
Fathers don't have this issue because they do "just" shut the door and us as wives explain to our kids that dad needs privacy, and our kids EXCEPT this and go on their merry way, all the while our husband take their sweet time in there with their reading material or sudoku. But it dawned on me that they really don't need all that time to go poop, THEY ARE HIDING OUT, and who is going to argue with someone about how long it takes for them to go poop? well I DID one time with Ted, when I confronted Ted with my theory he didn't confirm nor denye it.
Ill finish this story up with what my mom has always told me about motherhood being a full time job and how husbands don't always "get it." It would be like everytime your husband is at work and has to go to the bathroom, the WHOLE office following him in there.
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