2011

its been over a year since i had updated our family blog... its been a tough year. adjusting to being mother of 3 kids has proven to be much more difficult than i thought. i've truly found myself struggling on many different levels this year while still trying to find joy in these 3 kids and wonderful husband God has blessed me with. Its only been in past few month of this long year that i find myself having moments of true happiness and they are so very profound moments because ive been in such a fog all year that these sun beams of happiness have been blinding, showing me just what a bad place i have been in. when looking through the picture of the past year its kinda a weird cause it looks like ALL these happy times we had ALL year long but in my head when i think over the past year its still met with struggle and suffering. its made me realize that we usually only take picture of the "good times" the memories we want to keep. the true reality of the past year would show many diffreent pictures if i were to taking photos of my struggles, my foggiess and my weaknesses. While i've learned alot over this past year about myself, i am still coming to terms with alot of healing that i didnt realized still needed to be done with ted deployment almost 3 years ago.
My 3 kids continue to challenge me on a daily basis, but each one has their own special personality that i try to find more joy in than fault.
Zerrell is full of life and energy, a smarty pants in both good and bad ways. her out look on life and imagination always amazes me.
Harper is still my sweet boy and trying to find his way in bewteen his two lively sisters. in a land of barabies and dolls he hold strong to his cars, trains, airplanes and tools. he is very smart like a true boy his favorite word these days is POOP!
Bailey at 1 is a little ham and she knows it! doing things on purpose to make us all laugh.
in bewtween the fighting and sibling rivalry there are lots of moments that all 3 kids play together which is such a wonderful sight to behold.
Ted is very busy working for a private company that contracts for the national guard. he enjoys his job. he has also taken up cycling. competeing in some races and riding long distances.
I have hope for the next year and look forward to all of our new adventures as a family.
click on "2011 a look back" over to your right too see our pictures over the past year

2011 a look back

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ghosts of christmas pass

Christmas has always been a hard season for me... I've never really liked it. I can never really pin point the exact reason i have such an aversion for it but its more a feeling i get. there are some memories that have produced these feelings. like the Christmas i was about 12 and found ALL my Christmas presents before Christmas and i hated all of them, i tearfully told my mom of my findings and being the wonderful mother she is she returned them all and bought the things i wanted.
There are ALL the many Christmases that i was single, which was a huge heartache and struggle for me, it was alot of these years of being single that i developed some of the bad self images i have of myself. So each year at Christmas was just a HUGE negative milestone for me and confirmation of my negative thoughts of myself.
Then there are the years of working in retail during the Christmas season. the years of Christmas starting the end of august for me and having to listen to the same Christmas music for 8 weeks straight. the materialistic part of Christmas was too much for me to handle. the MEAN people out there during the holiday season. the LONG hours, and the demand to perform certain unrealistic expectations all for the sake of making more money. This would often bring me to tears at the end of the day during the holiday season.
When i was 25 i finally had a boyfriend during Christmas, that was a fun Christmas other than the fact that i finally had my own store which was in the mall... even the most cheerful of holiday persons would have been brought to tears like i was.
The following Christmas, after much on again off again with the same boyfriend, we celebrated it together but this time is was all a lie because i knew in my heart i was in the wrong relationship and the honest truth was that i was doing things to myself that were very self destructive.
The following Christmas was with Ted. That was a very nice Christmas, we were madly in love, freshly married and waiting for Zerrell to arrive but despite all the excitement i was once again working in a money hungry company with a nasty boss. it was during this Christmas season that my boss accused me of being a bad manager for not punishing one of my partners and continued to tell me that if i couldn't even manage adults what type of mother was i going to be in the future? it was one of those moments that you are SO caught off guard you cant even respond. i waited till i left work and was home with ted to burst into tears.. ted wanted me to quite that moment and sue.
The following Christmas i was a stay at home mom but the nasty taste of Christmas from all of the years before was heavy and i didn't enjoy it much. the following Christmas i was a mother of two, we had our own place, but we knew Ted would be deploying in afew shorts months and in my mind all i could think about was him leaving. which brings us to last year... NO TED. The whole season was just very very painful. we had just left ted in Germany, so the pain and anxiety of separation was still very fresh, there wasn't a scab over it yet. I did all the shopping myself, our family Christmas picture was without ted, every damn song on the radio was "I'll be home for Christmas" i knew ted was suffering where he was too. we were able to sykpe Christmas morning and he saw the kids open all their presents.
So you see why i just don't like Christmas. i cant ever really remember having that magical feeling of "looking forward" to Christmas. I'm not a scrooge. we decorate our house, i try to make tradition for the kids. As God would have it Christmas is Ted's favorite season. he loves Christmas, he has many happy memories of Christmas.
I am writing this long novel to bring out this one point. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SINCE I CAN HONESTLY REMEMBER THAT I AM TRULY EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS! Its December 2ND and the whole house it decked out! i even put decoration up in the bathroom! We have been listening to Christmas music since the day after thanksgiving. we have holiday activities planned and are excited about them. Its a wonderful feeling!
Through all of this time though i find myself being unable to hold tears back. i cry at least 2 times a day. granted I'm 8 month pregnant but its more than that. While i am finally experiencing this magical season i am grieving the past. my old therapist once told me that when i am trying to create new memories to over come the old bad memories that i will be at this happy place and still be crying. but that that is OK.. give into the tears because while you are happy in this moment you are still grieving the past. and i find myself shedding tears for so many reason. alot having to do with my past(old self imagine are the hardest things to change) and also i finally figured out that even though Ted is home, safe and sound and we are good, that i hardly let myself cry last year, i couldn't. it was too painful, i had to keep busy. so NOW i am finally able to shed and shed and shed all my tears from the past year of NO TED. its a weird feeling to be happy one moment then burst into tears the next. but i know the tears are there and they NEED to come, they NEED to flow and so i let them!
I know the rest of my Christmas might not be as magical as this one but for now i am living it up!

its been a LONG summer

I have wanted to sit down and write so many times but it just never happens. It was a LONG summer! I had lots of "morning sickness" followed by lots of weekend trips which took us right through till the middle of September. We went to the Yosemite a few times, over Tioga Pass to Mamouth, the beach, the Bay Area for a Dave Matthews show, up to Chico for a family wedding and Dan and Shari came for a 2 week visit. And its been HOT here, something that has been VERY hard to handle this year for me!

Zerrell took swim lessons for the first time, some lessons she more willing than others, but by the end of July she was swimming with no floaties, under the water and jumping into the pool. She LOVES the pool. She still talks a mile a minute and after about 30mins with her you know her whole life story. Her language and memory are amazing. She still talks about Ted being gone and coming home. And lately she is in need of LOTS of attention and affection from Ted. Which he gives to her, but never seems to be enough. She has very definite opinions and ideas about life and while that can be hard to deal with, she has her sweet funny side that keeps us laughing. She TRUELY believes that this baby inside me is a girl and that we are naming it "Judy." She has even told me that i CAN NOT bring a baby boy home. Lord help us if its a boy! I tried telling her that the new baby will bring her a special present for being a good big sister. So now when she "talks" to my belly she says "Hi baby Judy, i love you! what are you going to bring me at the hospital? Id like a Big Silvermist doll" She is excited about having a new baby... for now.


Harper is still my sweet mellow red headed boy. He isn't talking alot with words but communicates pretty well with sounds and the few words that he does say. He loves ted so much and willing goes with him anywhere he goes. he is standing up to Zerrell alot more, usually with screaming and sometimes hitting her. But they are at a good age that they will play with eachother, which is so neat to see, until they start fighting. He loves hanging out in the garage with Ted. He is madly in love with trains and a TV show called Little Einsteins. He can play by himself, pushing his trains all around and making sound affects. He loves baseball and will sit there and watch it on TV with my dad. He is a great eater too! he will easily eat 3 whole pieces of tri tip, half a potato and lots of watermelon at dinner. It so interesting to see how different his personality is from Zerrell. He can be shy around new people but he is a little dare devil, jumping off furniture and climbing everything!


Ted is doing well and recently got a new job, which has been a HUGE answer to many many prayers that we have been praying about for a few years now. He is doing the same thing at the same place just on the private side as opposed to the government side. He gets paid more(which relieves alot of stress for us), health insurance including dental and vision(something we have never had). he isn't waiting each year on CA to pass their budget to insure he can keep his job, and it allows future opportunities for our family on matters that we have been praying about for the past few years.

Im getting bigger and bigger. As of today I'm in my 3rd trimester. the baby moves around alot! I have been feeling ok, just tired alot. but that is to be expected when you have two small kids at home. I have been having some contractions which means that i need to be resting more. We are keeping the sex of the baby a surprise, which is fun and hard all at the same time. Im excited that it is October, this is my favorite month. I just love the weather and Halloween! Next month will mark one year since we went to Europe to visit Ted. Zerrell and I were looking at pictures yesterday, as much fun as we had they still make me cry everytime i see them. ted always reminds me that we got through it and that we are together again, but it is still hard and i can see some lasting scares on all of us. I know that with time God will help us heal from last year and hopefully be able help other people who are going through the same thing.

http://picasaweb.google.com/home

look at "summer 2010'

survived?

When ted first got home everyone would say "yeah, its over we survived!" "You did it, you survived!" but lately i have been wondering if we have survived? yeah we got through 11 months of ted being gone but survived? i feel that we havent fully "survived." that we are all different and broken from this past 11 months and that there are ribbles that we havent even experienced yet and may be dealing with for years to come.

Blessed but cant forget

Everyday i read the paper. Everyday i see how more ad more soldiers are being killed in Afghanistan and the fighting is strong and thick exactly where Ted was stationed. I sigh a relief every day i finish reading the articles but i also say a prayer for the Missouri AVCRAD that is currently deployed ad took over for Ted's unit, i also pray for their families that are here in the states struggling without them. I am so grateful that Ted came home when he did, right before this insurgent. I am so grateful that no one in Ted's unit was injured, although his hanger that he worked in everyday, 6 days a week was hit shortly before they left for home, it by the absolute grace of God that one was more injured than some ringing in their ears. It happened about 2 hours before Ted's shift was suppose to start. One guy was saved literally because he had just bent down to repair something lower on the helicopter, and everything just above his head was hit with random shrapnel.

His base in Afghanistan was attacked about 2 months ago, a few people got killed and there was lots of damage. It really hit home how lucky everyone was to be home.

On the 4th of July, after we had come home, we sat up listening to all the booms and whistles of the large illegal fireworks going off in our neighborhood, yet we didn't see anything pretty in the sky and ted was telling he that these were the sounds he heard 24hours a day while he was gone, that you would freeze a for a few moments waiting to see or hear if it landed. He said it was really scary at times.

So when i read the paper everyday, i remember everything that my husband went through, everything that we went through and am so very grateful that he is home, although we are very blessed, neither us will ever really forget this past year.

oh, June

June, June, June... Ted travel most of June, being gone 3 of the four weeks. He was working in southern California repairing helicopter for another unit that will be deploying at the end of this year. While it brought in a little bit more money(which has been very helpful) it was still terrible having him gone so much. Zerrell kept asking if he was in Germany(she still thinks that Ted was living in Germany at the house we rented, the whole time he was deployed), she also asked if we were going to make signs every time he came home for a few days( just like we did he we finally came home in March). Harper always wanted to talk to Ted on the phone but would NEVER hand me back the phone and would scream and cry when I tried to talk to ted on the phone. I felt like crap most of the time, between being a single mom again, morning/all day sickness and it getting hotter. So the kids and I decided to go down and spend about 5 days with Ted. We actually made it down there (5hours) without any meltdowns, from me or the kids and we had a very enjoyable time in the 75degree weather. We hung out on base a bit while Ted was working, we went to the beach a few times, went to an Angle's game and drove down to San Diego and went to Sea World. There was a lot more of Sea World that we could have seen but with a tired dad, a pregnant mom and 2 tired kids, we headed home early, plus we had gotten in for free, so we didn't feel too bad not seeing everything, what we did see was alot of fun. The kids and I drove home from 65 degree weather to 108!

We have spent most of June, growing our garden, we have eaten 12 tomatoes, 3 Armenian cucumbers, one Armenian pepper, 2 yellow squash and hundreds of apricots and plums!

I am getting bigger everyday, not big were people notice that I'm pregnant, just big enough were NONE of my regular clothes fit me, AT ALL. As of today I'm 12 weeks and the sickness is FINALLY starting to ease up a bit, although the exhaustion is setting in. Zerrell knows there is a baby inside my tummy and keeps telling me there is a girl AND boy in there... that's kinda scary.

Ted is really enjoying his job, besides all the time away. He has recently gotten into bike riding. He was ridding to and from work alot and doing some 25mile rides on the weekend. Ted;s work has recently moved to 4 10hours days a week, meaning that he now has every Saturday, Sunday and Monday off. We haven't been able to enjoy it yet since he has been traveling so much but we will next week!

Zerrell is doing well at her swimming lessons and getting more and more daring in Nana's swimming pool. She still will only wear dresses and changes her clothes about 3 times a day. She LOVES to sing, often wanting to sing by herself, not wanting anyone else to sing with her. She is still pretty bossy of Harper but he is starting to make his come back. Zerrell has an amazing memory and still talks constantly. She says some of the funniest things. When we were driving home last week, I told her that once we got out of the mountains we would get out eat something and stretch our legs. We ate lunch and were back in the car driving when she said "mom!! we forgot to stretch our legs!" She is tall for her age and a great jumper. She jumps off our front porch(3 steps high) onto the grass without question.

Harper, while still more mellow is wanting to do EVERYTHING Zerrell does, including jumping off the front porch by himself. He follows Zerrell around copying her every action, good and bad. He is starting to put a fight when Zerrell takes ssomething from him, even hitting her a good one sometimes. He adores my dad, always saying "papa!" the minute we pull up to their house. He will sit on my dads lap and watch baseball with him, making baseball sound effects. He is liking the water, although NOT in his face. He can say just a fews, like moma, papa, keys. but has lots of sound effects for other things and nods his head yes and no very well.

We still have projects we are trying to finish around the house. A few more rooms to paint but our next BIG project will be putting in a new kitchen, laundry room and back bathroom floor in early august when Ted's parents come out to visit. Its hard to believe it been almost 2 years since we first moved in here. We continue to enjoy this house so much and making so many wonderful memories here to add to all of my great childhood memories of this house already.

pictures to enjoy:

http://picasaweb.google.com/brig.dmb/June2010?authkey=Gv1sRgCKnLhufvpe_1xgE#