After writing about my kids i was going to write about Ted and then myself. But when trying to sort out my emotions and thoughts on Ted and myself, they were too intertwined. All my thoughts for the most part come back to Ted.
It has been 3 months since he left. Time is so weird, there is a part of it that makes me say "dear God its ONLY been 3 months?" but then there are other fleeting moments in my day that I think... "ok, we can do this, we are doing ok..." I know we can do it, because we ARE doing it, every minute of everyday. Some days are alot harder then others.
We have gotten into a "routine" of our own without Ted. All the books talk about this "normal" step of deployment, but it still sucks! When he first left i would wake up in the morning to the overwhelming anxiety that Ted wasn't here, it was especially worse on Saturday and Sundays. It was just the fact of being completely alone, even with two kids, and maybe it WAS because i have two kids. That feeling has gotten better, i wake up now and have to try and figure out what day it is since they all bleed together. The evenings use to be even worse then the mornings. trying to get both kids to bed and facing the fact that i was again alone, no one to spend time with. Again this has gotten better too. I am able to usually get both kids to sleep around the same time, leaving me to do what i want for while. Now that all the good TV series are over till the fall I've turned my energy to the house. Every night when the kids go to sleep, i take about 30 minutes and pick up the whole house, I've come to enjoy this very much. it, first off gives me a sense of control, which is nice to feel when everything else seems to be crazy. Second, it makes it nice to wake up in the morning to a clean house, knowing that the day can start out organized, even if it all goes to hell quickly. So after the house is clean i go to "my projects" So far I've:
made curtains for the kids room
made curtains for the kitchen
painted the ceiling of the laundry room
painted the back bathroom(4 coats)
painted and hung the rest of the kitchen cabinets
primed all the woodwork in the laundry room
and fully painted all the cabinets in the laundry room
I still have alot to do and i look forward to my evening alone.. as long as i keep busy.
The Internet is up and running for Ted, PRAISE JESUS! We have been able to use our web cam almost everyday, sometimes its still a little slow but for the most part its been running well. It makes me feel so much better to actually SEE his face and see him moving, as apposed to just looking at pictures of Ted. The kids are responding well to it too, which makes me feel better for them. Ted and i have even been having little dates with each other. He'll come come home on his lunch break, which is about 12am my time. The kids are asleep, so He and i get a nice long hour to just the two of us. I can't tell you how wonderful this has been. For the both of us. i was so worried when he left of how we would stay connected to each other being so far away and then when he didn't have Internet access for almost 2 month it just made the feeling worse, but the web cam is amazing. I feel connected to him, we get to talk, just the two of us and be funny and silly like we use to be when he was here. The down side of the web cam is that it is just a BIG TEASE! to see him, and hear him laughing, and moving around and be SO close yet not to be able to feel him, touch him, kiss him... granted i would hate NOT having the web cam but the longing and desire it provokes is indescribable.
Before Ted left he reminded me of all the challenges we have gotten through in the 3 years we have been together and he said that this was just one more that would bring us closer together as a couple and family. I (being in an irrational state and not wanting to hear his logical faith) told him that yes, we have faced alot but all those things we faced, we faced TOGETHER, side by side, that in the middle of fear of the future, the challenges of parenthood and the unknown we physically had each other to find comfort, safety and peace in and this time we would be separated. while we could still communicate, the hard reality was/is that we are both to a large part alone through this. I know this sounds harsh and faithless, and yes on some days that's what i feel like. One thing I've learned so far is that I'm alot stronger than i thought i would be.
"She is clothed in strength and dignity, and can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also praises her; 'many women do noble things but you surpass them all.'" Proverbs 31:25-27
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