Fall...ing

I just read a great line in the book I am reading. "I knew it would never be easy, but I just didn't expect it to be this hard." That can sum up alot of everything I have been going through and feeling on a variety of topics.



Motherhood... "I was a great mother before I had kids." I think about this everyday. For so long in my life I wanted to be a mommy. I baby sat for years and truely enjoyed it. I doted on my little cousins for years, my aunt marianne always called me "her lady in waiting." When my godson was born I feell in love with him and just couldnt get enough of him.



I had great plans of doing all of these wonderful art projects and going to playgroups, or library sing along story hours. Having the TV turned off and listening to music, dancing around the house, being silly. Going for great walks around the neighborhood, exploring. Cooking family dinners and all eating togther.
I have tried everyone of these "ideals" and more times then not they all blow up in my face. i realize that Zerrell is still young, but even things I try to do for her age just leave both of us frustrated and in bad moods. I feel like we are oil and water alot of the time. Everyday i start out trying to be a better mom than the day before but when i make that desicion, she usally wakes up at 6am and is already in a bad mood.
It's an up hill batlle everyday, and i try so hard to keep it fun, because when i take a second to step back and look at it from Zerrells point of view, I wouldnt want MY mom yelling and getting frustrated with me everyday all day long. So with that in mind, ive been living in the moment with Zerrell. Taking a deep breath and keep things funny and silly. its not always good, i still fall alot but i try to recover faster.

Another factor is that Ted is not here. There isnt that change of pace at 4:30pm when he would come home. Its just CONSTANT all day, the 3 of us, the dynamic doesnt change. even when my mom comes over or my sister comes home(which is a huge blessing) its still NOT ted.

I have been very depressed the past few weeks. I just MISS ted so very much, its undiscrible. I realized the other day that even though i talk to him almost everyday, and he is physically safe and coming home in the near future, i am grieving him. Its a HUGE loss. I know people who have gone through actual lost of a spouse, father, mother etc and im not trying to compair my suffering to theirs, because I know my loved one is coming back, but its still grief. the paralizing grief that when you look at the kitchen totally dirty, you have no desire to even do anything about it. the paralizing feeling of nothing and yet EVERY thought running through your head all at the same time. The overwhelming fact that you know you need to eat but you cant even begin to think about how prepare yourself something to eat. Or you arent able to STOP eatting. wanting to just go to bed at 3pm in the afternoon, yet being wide awake at 12am. Luckily my kids keep me up and running to a certain normal point. I think the biggest thing about grieving Ted is that i am truely SO very lonely. Even more so because i have two kids. Desprate housewives Lynette said it best a few weeks ago whe talking about motherhood "you will have points where you have never felt more alone in your entire life YET YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE!"