I miss Ted

The weekends are the hardest. I was in church today and it just overcame me how much i miss him. i had to keep myself from crying. Every Sunday is difficult. being in the presence of God at mass, completely consumes me. I am the most vulnerable. i am unable to maintain my fortress walls of "im OK, we're hanging in there." I guess its because God knows our all. there are no "brave home fronts" with God. I miss sharing in the mass with ted. Even if he isn't catholic. Attending church together as a couple who both believe in God is one of the joys of my marriage. Playing tag team with our two fidgety kids and then finding a stolen moment together when both kids are peaceful. ted would always give me this "i love you look." A look that spoke volumes of our love and commitment, our family, our sufferings and our joys. A look of happiness and contentment. This is the place we got married, this is the place we stood before God and the witness of our family and friends and committed to each other and the to will of God in our lives.
I want to just sit there and be still in the arms of Jesus. i want to relish in His silence., knowing that i needn't say or think a word for Him to understand me. I have to choke pack the tears, because if they were to start, i don't know if i could make them stop. I miss ted, I miss him with every ounce of everything that makes me me. I miss everything about him and us and our family. There are the big things that i miss, our love life. I saw a shirt online that says "Sexually Deprived for Your Freedom" I send this blog out to alot of people, so that's all I'm going to say about our love life, although i could go on, but I'm sure when we get pregnant again sometime in the next year, it will be no surprise to anyone.
Aside from that, I miss all the little things: a glance across the room at a party, holding his hand, even though that was hard to do with two small kids, our feet finding each other at the end of the bed, amongst the sprawled out body limbs of our two kids sleeping in bed with us, his blueberry pancakes that he would make, his arm around me while sitting on the couch. I miss him driving, me always changing the radio station and him getting irritated at me for doing so. I miss getting to touch his leg while we are seated next to each other. I miss a simple kiss hello and good bye. I miss him being silly to get me out of bad mood. I miss his laughter, I miss OUR laughter together. And I have come to realize how much I miss attending mass with him.
So when i go to church I grieve all of these things and more. Its not like i sit there listing all the points of why i miss ted, its just this giant lump sum of emotions that overtakes me, i feel like shouting " Doesn't anyone realize my husband is deployed" but that wouldn't go over so well in church. So i start to get the knot in the back of my throat and i have to start blinking alot to keep the tear from over pouring. Usually about this point my lively 2 year old daughter is trying to climb under the pews, or talking about Cinderella not even close to a "quite voice" or like today SHOUTING "the bells are ringing, I want to go home now!" This rips me from my grief and belly flops me back into the reality of living in the present. which is probably a good thing. i know if i were to go to mass by myself, i would be powerless against my tears and then i would be sitting there alone crying and everyone else would be thinking "wow, that poor girl must have done something really sinful to be crying at mass."
So i am grateful to God that amongst the chaos of taking to kids to mass, I can, even for a few seconds, be truthful in the safe strong arms of our Lord.