I can now officially say that NEXT month Ted will be home! We still don't have a date but it should be the first half of March. Its really hard to believe that we are almost done with his deployment. This HUGE "thing" that has been apart of our lives for the past 3 years is finally coming to an end. I have been thinking about THIS moment for 3 years and in about 6weeks we will finally be a family together again, in the same place, without this "thing" always looming in the back of our minds. Praise Jesus!
This last month has gone by relatively fast but not without alot of struggle. I constantly feel like I am failing as a mother, I so often worry that Ted being gone will scar Zerrell and I also think that my mothering over this past 10months will scar her too. I have had too many moment that I am not proud of and rather ashamed of. I want to be a better mother, both my kids deserve that, but I am just so exhausted and miss ted so very much, I find myself having a shorter and shorter fuse and its a slippery slope once that fuse has been lit.
People keep saying "oh its only 2 more months or 6 more weeks. You can do that compared to how long he's already been gone" but my reality is that it is ANOTHER 6 weeks ON TOP of the past 10months. I pray eachday for the strength to be the mother that I want to be, the mother that Zerrell and Harper deserve. I do find that in some of my darker moment my kids will do something funny or cute that makes me smile.
Zerrell has bee doing better with some of her anger issues. We have been going to play therapy and trying some new techniques at home and they have been working well. She still talks ALL OF THE TIME. She comes up with some of the funniest things. Today she asked me if our new drapes where "the latest style." She loves pretending she is a ballerina and dances all over the house. She has very strong opinions on most everything. Its hard to believe that she is almost 3.
Harper is still madly in love with Zerrell and always wants to be doing everything she is doing. he even likes to go sit in our timeout spot, not because he is in trouble, but because he sees Zerrell doing it. He is watching her like a hawk and thinks he can do anything she can. He has learned how to climb up on our couch, on the arm rest, onto the back of the couch to reach the lamp and turn it off, JUST LIKE HIS BIG SISTER. He does this and looks at me with this HUGE grin on his face because he is just SO proud of himself. Today he figured out that he can get up on the coffee table and jump/fall onto the couch.
We celebrated my sisters birthday by going roller skating, Zerrell did well on skates. My parents celebrated their 35 wedding anniversary. And we celebrated Ted's birthday via skype and a birthday cake here in California.My big accomplishment for this month was FINALLY getting our frontrom painted and finished. It took me two full weeks of working a couple of hours a night once the kids went to bed but I got it done, painted top to bottom and new slipcovers on some of the furniture. Its such a joy to have it finished. I just cant wait for Ted to see it. Please keep us in your prayers, these last 6 weeks are going to be tough.
2 comments:
Dear Brig
It really is okay if we "scar" our children. It's just how life is. What is important is you know they may have been scarred so you can recognize a "scar" when you see one and then "love" it till it's healed. You can ask David about the time just outside of Santa Barbara, at a rest stop just before San Inez and Buellton, on our way to Pismo. I don't like to remember the gory details. I spanked him really hard and unnecessarily. He has panic attacks everytime he drives by the rest stop. YOU ARE A GOOD MOM because you humbly own who you are. And your children feel SAFE with you. That is the key. You want to get nervous when Zerrell stops talking!! When you feel guilty, stand up in that courtroom in your head, raise your hand and say outloud, "Your honor, guilty as charged." Then get the heck out of the courtroom. Don't hang around for a sentence. You don't need a sentence!! The guilt is bad enough, but just declare it outloud and then it goes away. And then jump in the boar with the rest of us "lousy" parents!! Well, we are all good enough parents.
Love you
Vern
Hey, suppose to be jump in the boat, not the boar!!
Vern
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